So the World Cup has started and millions of women around the world have had no choice but to succumb to the arrival of their men’s quadrennial mistress, but hey look on the bright side, she’s only here for a month. Easy for me to say as I have no one. Well, there is Teju but he’s about as useful as having no one. He can’t make his mind up whether he’s leaving or staying, coming round when it most suits him. Lately, I’ve refused to entertain him, as I’ve grown bored of him.

I never thought I for one would even look at a match but have you seen the players? Besides work, I’ve had these beautiful creatures adorn my TV screen and occupied most of my free time. Watching their strong legs run around the pitch, displaying amazing control of their balls (and by that , I mean the spherical thing they kick about – get your mind out of the gutter) and the way their asses jiggle when playing….oh Lord, help me. I’ve even chosen a few off the Brazilian squad who would make good baby daddies.

I was particularly hoping for a good WC. I was hoping Nigeria will, if not win, at least save face and make it to the quarter-finals. False hope. I was at an all-time high in the run-up to the world’s biggest sporting tournament but its outcome so far has done nothing good for my health. In the match against Greece, what did I not do with the super pigeons? I kicked the imaginary ball that Uche passed to me specifically, directed the other players to the opponents’ post, my legs controlling the ball, creating play tactics and goal opportunities for my ‘team mates’; my face the epitome of sheer determination and in my mind, I would definitely have scored the goal Obasi missed had I been let on the pitch. My heart’s shattered into a million pieces, my voice has gone on strike and I’m mentally exhausted from 90 minutes of disappointment. You can see what the WC has done to yours truly. In short, I give up. Oh well! Like they say, the show must go on….with or without Nigeria

Shout out to my sisters out there. Especially the ones whose interest in the WC developed as a result of trying to get their men’s attention. Let me save you the time and effort and a jail sentence ‘cause you’ll end up killing him if after trying your best, his attention is still entirely devoted to the WC matches. So let me give you some pointers that will release your man from the complete hold the WC has on him. But that’s not to say he’d be completely free, you still have to share him with a couple of men he has an unfathomable admiration for and keep him on his toes, literally.

1. First of all, go learn the rules of football. You might think it’s cute but it’s actually annoying if you don’t know that the box 18 is a sensitive area for men.

2. Refrain from asking questions. It annoys them if they have to steer their glare away from the screen during a match in order to explain to you that when the linesman raises his flag, it’s an off-side

3. Don’t ask what an off-side is. Google it.

4. Hurl insults at the opponents no matter how fine/cute/sexy they are. And yeah, avoid calling them cute to his hearing.

5. Do invite his friends over to watch the match, but none of their girlfriends. Stock up on beer and junk food.

6. Don’t try to get all mushy during a match, you just might suffer an unlucky elbow jab meant for the ’clearly biased’ ref to your face in the heat of the moment. Trust me, not worth it.

7. Leave him alone when his team is losing. Don’t try to comfort him, you’d never succeed! According to him, you’d never understand. Just the same way you don’t understand why he’s got a picture of 11 men in Arsenal jerseys as his screen saver. Completely leave him alone. Go shop online or something!

And lastly,

8. Don’t try and watch the WC with him. Reason being you’ll see him in his most unflattering form and might just lead you to question what you ever saw in him in the first place.

Hope you have a happy WC. Mine’s ruined anyways.

Kaita's Red card cost Nigeria against Greece