Amebor » Dating & Relationships

Cheating Woes | Advice

OluwaSparkle — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 08:54:08 +0000

At some point in our lives, some of us will find out that our partners have been unfaithful and have cheated on us. Sometimes, we try to suck it up and still stay in the relationship because we are so in love and we have invested too much time in it to just let it go. But anytime we think about the cheating, we feel sick on the inside.

I’ve heard several stories and read some articles about females who have been cheated on, and out of anger some of them will sneak into the guy’s house and burn all his belongings, slash his car tire, or pour soda in his gas tank. Last night, I saw a picture of a guy whose girlfriend poured hot water on his private part and now he is scarred for life. Some women even go to the extent of chopping off the man’s penis.

There are so many things a female can do to get beyond the hurt without being violent. Chopping off your husband or your boyfriend’s penis will not make you feel better. The only thing you achieved at that point is you just depriving him of ever having any form of sexual behavior but that doesn’t change what he has done to you, you are still hurting. It’s ok to be angry but there are some things you shouldn’t do when you find out that your partner is cheating on you:

Do not get into the blaming game: Your partner is responsible for his actions, not you.
Do not get violent: Chopping your partner’s private part off is not going to solve anything except ruin the man’s life. That might even scare other men away from you even if they have no intentions of cheating on you. Violence will only make things worse.
Do not accept it: People often make it seem like it’s ok for a man to cheat so they just take it all in and act like everything is fine. I believe people like that have low self-esteem. Also, don’t let him take over your feelings with promises and sweet words of not doing it again.
Don’t ignore or pretend it’s not happening: Things will only get worse when you’re in denial.
Do not waste your time on the other woman: Focus on what happened between you and the man. Harassing the other woman only leads to humiliation. Do not obsess over her because she is not worth your time and energy.

If you want to get past the hurt

It’s ok to cry: Watch a sad movie, listen to blues music and just let it out but don’t over-do it. Don’t mope everyday because you will end up hurting yourself more.
It takes time to get past the pain: If you decide to stay in the relationship, don’t expect the pain to just go away because you have decided to forgive him.
Think twice before telling your friends or your family: Chances are your friends will hold grudges longer than you do.
Take care of yourself: Ladies, do not give up your food because your partner cheated on you. Eat healthy, laugh, shop, and spend time with people who make you laugh. Through all the heart ache and unfaithfulness, life goes on.
Get tested. (nuff said )
Personally, I don’t see the reason why I should stay with a cheater. If a partner cheats on me, he has already left. So, if you decide to leave the guy, give yourself time to get over the pain, forgive him because that’s the only way you can heal and move on. Don’t feel like you will never get part it because you will, it just takes time.

Nigerian Love Triangle | Opinion

Dipo Agoro — Wed, 28 Jul 2010 02:15:24 +0000

There is a point in our lives where finding your “better-half” becomes an important aspect in ones life. An instance where you want to find that special person you want to spend the rest of your life with. In a Nigerian household our relatives and friends have asked that infamous question “where is your husband/wife?” Opinions on Love and Religion, by what I have noticed, differs from family and culturally. Through my conversations, I came back with different answers to different scenarios, ALL are from a Nigerian point of view.

Love and Religion

In one talk, a female, christian yoruba friend of mine stated that she would marry a christian to appease her parents and give a back seat to love. Another stated she will marry for love, and religion will take a back seat. I heard the same from an igbo friend who also stated she wanted her parents blessing and would marry who she felt they would like, a fellow igbo who believes in God. A male muslim friend let me know that he would only marry a devout muslim woman, and his reason being was that he wanted his children to receive the same upbringing he did.

With many discussions I have had with friends and family alike, most feel your FAITH should come ahead of LOVE. While some have emphasized that their family’s wish must be done in a marriage; That one must marry inter-culturally and the other person MUST be of the same religious belief just to appease the family. While some have stated that they will marry whoever they are compatible with, regardless of religious beliefs, ethnicity and what their family thinks, for LOVE holds the highest bar. Is this the New Age thought process??

So the question is for YOU, Would you put RELIGION on the backseat to LOVE? Do your PARENTS have a say in your potential matrimony?? Love or Religion??? Leave your comments/Thoughts down here for this is the true NIGERIAN LOVE TRIANGLE….
Shout-Out to Mariam “Bad Gyal” Badru, Yetunde “Spaku” Ogunleye and the AMEBOR and NAIJA VJJ MONOLOGUE BBM Groups

LADIES FIRST? ARE YOU SERIOUS?

Asakeoge — Thu, 01 Jul 2010 01:17:17 +0000

As I sit down to write this note, I have a fashion show in 8 days, my clothes are 20% done, I have an appointment with a singer on Saturday to make her clothes for an upcoming event, I have a photo shoot for a magazine, I have a couple of deadlines coming up, my phone is ringing now, someone wants to know if have replied a long due mail. But I have to write this because I am upset…no upset is the wrong word I think bemused is more like I and well maybe a little peeved.

I am listening to Fela Kuti’s song: “If you call am woman, African woman no go gree…she go saaaaay…she go say I be lady o!
It seems to go with my mood and the content of my note. Somewhat. It is about a certain Mr O (I have left his real name out as he is on facebook. If I had written this note when the incident happened in my then state of mind, I would have probably divulged his identity)

I really do not care how this affects anyone. It is my page. My note. Needless to say am entitled to it. This young man whom I had been ‘dating’ (I use the word in its loosest broadest sense. Make of it what you will) for a very short while had indeed shown me his true colours one incident stood out in which our acquaintance was just two weeks , we went to an off licence to buy a couple of things, this young man stood back while I paid for both of us. Trust me; I really don’t mind paying my way. I have always done so and I will continue to do so. This happened not once or twice. Now this ‘acquaintance’ waned after a while as these things sometimes do.
About two months later if my memory serves me well, this gentleman (Again, I use word loosely in its broadest sense) approached me, apparently he had been coming to church every Sunday hoping to see me not knowing I was away.

“How have you been?” He says all swagger and confidence, thinking he could pick up where we left off. A lot can happen in two months innit?
“Am cool” I reply all swagger and confidence. “I see all your Sturvs on facebook, the money must be rolling in.”
“Sure” I reply, “We Thank God.” “Where’s my share?” “Your share of what?” “Of all the money now, let’s go to Nandos.”

I decided to oblige, I’d rather depart the curious presence of my church members. We arrive at Nandos. We take our a seats and make our order. Now its time to pay and Mr O looks at me.
”Oya pay now.”
“I beg your pardon, what do you mean pay” I thought it was a joke.
“Haa you don’t want to spend Asakeoge money for me ba?”
Chineke! See me see wahala. Na jeje I dey go my house, You said we should come to Nandos now u asking me to pay?
“Am sorry, I cant pay” I say “I haven’t got my card here” he goes into some story about how he’d maxed out his card. Whatever, am ready to call it a day. Believe it or not, we left the restaurant without eating because Mr O refused to pay.

Before I go further let me make some things clear, I know we are in London , it is the white man’s culture to share the bill abi? Nothing wrong with that right? Wrong! Am from Africa, where I come from, you ask me out, YOU PAY, whether the bill is £1 or £1,000.
If I wanna ask you out I will tell you, and I will let you know am paying, I can take you out to my house…nice Amala and Gbegiri with Ogufe from Peckham. (For the uninitiated, ‘Amala’ is a pate made from cassava flour ‘Gbegiri’ is an exotic mix of green leaf and beans soup, ‘Ogufe’ is spicy goat meat) Round up with a bottle of wine from Tesco and have some chin-chin as dessert. Ask Bode or Babatope or Terga or Simon (real names), they’ll testify to the goodness of my cooking. If you are not suitably impressed, I’ll use my mother’s expensive silverware, add some scented candles even. Its okay if you are not that romantic, neither am I, we can sit down on the floor and eat it with our fingers, just like back home in Africa. It is my prerogative to share the bill or not. Just as it is my prerogative to say no in the first instance, this nasty habit of Nigerian guys taking a girl out and asking her to pay is horse manure. Oh take it easy Asake, not all guys are like that. Yeah I thought so too.
So here comes Mr B, same scenario, we go to Bella Italia. Only this time we had eaten. I take my purse and make my excuse to the ladies. Immediately am out of sight I make for the exit. “Alainikanse okunrin” I mutter to myself. I hail a cab and switch off my phones for two days. Haa Asake that is wicked! Trust me, next time it will be worse for you, I will rake up a £3,000 bill and disappear for six months.

So I have decided to write this note. I know there are some good guys out there (An endangered probably extinct species). I speak for myself and not for the ladies who will gladly sell their soul to keep a man. Never ever, ever take a lady out and ask her to pay. In all fairness, I have gone out with gentlemen who have paid or we shared the bill since I instigated it. But don’t expect me to pay ahn ahn because you will disgrace yourself. It is not the African culture; even if it is, it is not Asake’s culture. It is not about the money. It is the principle of the matter.
Because, “awon okunrin mi, won baje bi idin” ( These men are spoilt little brats). If ever you have the privilege of taking me out and my father was Warren Buffet or Bill Gates; You ask me out, YOU PAY, yes luv, ma woju uche rara.

Women’s World Cup | LadyBee’s Diary

LadyBee — Thu, 24 Jun 2010 03:09:45 +0000

So the World Cup has started and millions of women around the world have had no choice but to succumb to the arrival of their men’s quadrennial mistress, but hey look on the bright side, she’s only here for a month. Easy for me to say as I have no one. Well, there is Teju but he’s about as useful as having no one. He can’t make his mind up whether he’s leaving or staying, coming round when it most suits him. Lately, I’ve refused to entertain him, as I’ve grown bored of him.

I never thought I for one would even look at a match but have you seen the players? Besides work, I’ve had these beautiful creatures adorn my TV screen and occupied most of my free time. Watching their strong legs run around the pitch, displaying amazing control of their balls (and by that , I mean the spherical thing they kick about – get your mind out of the gutter) and the way their asses jiggle when playing….oh Lord, help me. I’ve even chosen a few off the Brazilian squad who would make good baby daddies.

I was particularly hoping for a good WC. I was hoping Nigeria will, if not win, at least save face and make it to the quarter-finals. False hope. I was at an all-time high in the run-up to the world’s biggest sporting tournament but its outcome so far has done nothing good for my health. In the match against Greece, what did I not do with the super pigeons? I kicked the imaginary ball that Uche passed to me specifically, directed the other players to the opponents’ post, my legs controlling the ball, creating play tactics and goal opportunities for my ‘team mates’; my face the epitome of sheer determination and in my mind, I would definitely have scored the goal Obasi missed had I been let on the pitch. My heart’s shattered into a million pieces, my voice has gone on strike and I’m mentally exhausted from 90 minutes of disappointment. You can see what the WC has done to yours truly. In short, I give up. Oh well! Like they say, the show must go on….with or without Nigeria

Shout out to my sisters out there. Especially the ones whose interest in the WC developed as a result of trying to get their men’s attention. Let me save you the time and effort and a jail sentence ‘cause you’ll end up killing him if after trying your best, his attention is still entirely devoted to the WC matches. So let me give you some pointers that will release your man from the complete hold the WC has on him. But that’s not to say he’d be completely free, you still have to share him with a couple of men he has an unfathomable admiration for and keep him on his toes, literally.

1. First of all, go learn the rules of football. You might think it’s cute but it’s actually annoying if you don’t know that the box 18 is a sensitive area for men.

2. Refrain from asking questions. It annoys them if they have to steer their glare away from the screen during a match in order to explain to you that when the linesman raises his flag, it’s an off-side

3. Don’t ask what an off-side is. Google it.

4. Hurl insults at the opponents no matter how fine/cute/sexy they are. And yeah, avoid calling them cute to his hearing.

5. Do invite his friends over to watch the match, but none of their girlfriends. Stock up on beer and junk food.

6. Don’t try to get all mushy during a match, you just might suffer an unlucky elbow jab meant for the ’clearly biased’ ref to your face in the heat of the moment. Trust me, not worth it.

7. Leave him alone when his team is losing. Don’t try to comfort him, you’d never succeed! According to him, you’d never understand. Just the same way you don’t understand why he’s got a picture of 11 men in Arsenal jerseys as his screen saver. Completely leave him alone. Go shop online or something!

And lastly,

8. Don’t try and watch the WC with him. Reason being you’ll see him in his most unflattering form and might just lead you to question what you ever saw in him in the first place.

Hope you have a happy WC. Mine’s ruined anyways.

Kaita's Red card cost Nigeria against Greece

Love Lost | Lady Bee’s Diary Pt. 3

LadyBee — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 10:30:03 +0000

My people, sorry for my absence, Just been tied up with work and exams. You know your girl must survive now, can’t rely on these no-good London blokes. And yes, I’m still reeling from my disappointment of my fairytale cyber-love who turned out to be more of a frog than a prince. Just so you know, our meeting did not go beyond that car park as I just couldn’t stand him but there’s still a glimmer of hope as I’ve got another date.

Well, it’s nothing special, just this dude that has been on my case for some time. I’ve known him for quite a while, so no undesirable surprises there, or so I hope. He’s promised to keep it casual, so no coming on too hard. I keep the dressing casual too; just a pair of skinny jeans and a tight fitting top with heels…no long thing! I just can’t bring myself to dress up for another disappointment, if it turns out to be. My phone rings, it’s him.

“Hi Ben” I say softly down the phone, unable to muster the strength to sound even the least bit excited.
“Hey, you alright?” he asks, so excitedly, it sounded just a bit annoying.
“I’m outside”. “OK, I’ll be right out” I reply, in my sullen tone still.

As soon as I step outside and clock him, I knew the date was just going to go one way: the way I won’t like. He’s sat in his banger, grinning. Just so you know, a banger is an old rickety car. Oh goodness! Ok, that shouldn’t be an issue, as I don’t want to come across as materialistic. He looks good though, his handsome face breaking into an enchanting smile once he set eyes on me. Still sweet as ever. He gets out of his banger and engages me in a warm embrace, he smells nice too. We pull away after a couple of seconds, and just as soon as he opens his mouth to speak, a strong odour followed. Oh no, bad breath! How could I have not remembered that his breath could render a being weak? I couldn’t pull away from him completely fast enough. The ride to the date felt like the longest journey I’ve ever been on as this guy couldn’t stop talking, suffocating me with his stale breath and I just couldn’t wait to hop out of his banger.

After what seems like eternity, we arrive at the date, a ‘swanky’ Chinese buffet parlour offering an all-you-can-eat for £10.50. Wow! Aren’t I a lucky girl? Dude sure went all out for me. A buffet on a first date, who would have thought? Cheap prick! Sensing my disgust, he asks what’s wrong. “I’m fine, just a bit tired” I lie. “Are you sure?” he presses, and in my mind I’m thinking won’t this guy just eat his food. I nod in affirmation to his question. My guy was just scoffing down the food. Nothing on that platter of egg friend rice, chicken balls, prawn, chicken vermicelli, sesame toast and a host of others went untouched, and in a greedy fashion too. Again, I couldn’t wait to get out of there.
“Why me God, why me?” I ask in my mind. I dare not lament out loud.
Now for the pièce de résistance, we went all the way next door…to the cinema. Could this date get any worse, I hear you ask. I’m really pinching myself just to be sure I’m not stuck in an unpleasant dream. As it turns out, this is reality. We get our tickets to see Prince of Persia and dawdle over to the confectionary stand. He’s still speaking and my tolerance is still permitting me to be polite but if this dude ventures forward and laughs so close to my face again, I would seriously lose it. You would think all that food would have helped his breath, right? He requested for a popcorn couple’s combo…again, wow – two large drinks and one tub of popcorn, coming up to a total of £9.30. The shame I feel compares to none. He decides to pay with his debit card. The attendant rings up the amount on the debit pad, he enters his PIN and the next words that come out of the attendant’s mouth just make me wish for lightening to strike at exactly the point I am standing.

“It’s been declined” WHAT?

“Please try again” he begs.

The attendant tries again and the same happens. At this point, I would gladly commit suicide. A long queue of fellow film-goers extends behind us, taking the shame to an unfathomable level of magnitude, indescribable in itself. I just pray inwardly that he has some cash on him, because if I decide to pay, it’ll be a shame neither of us could live down. He beckons on me to take the popcorn and drinks upstairs, at the attendant’s discretion of course. So I go up into the screen room, previews are starting and I’m munching away, oblivious to what’s going on between my date and the cinema attendant. Finally, he appears and comes to sit beside me.

Then he says:

“Ummh Sarah, the card has been declined and I don’t have any cash on me to pay for the popcorn and drinks so I have to take them back.”

Cue huge jaw-drop. I give them to him, mouth still wide open. This has gone beyond shame, totally numb to that emotion now. And the worst part of it is that yours truly has eaten the popcorn half-way down the tub. In fact, I give up. But amidst this, I feel so sorry for him seeing him take the items back, with half the popcorn gone, no thanks to me. The look he’d receive from those attendants, I could only pity him. The embarrassment he must be feeling…wow. At this point, Dennis is looking rather tempting. After a couple of minutes, he returns and tries to down-play the whole fiasco. Impossible. Banger, I can stand. Bad breath, there’s help, but cheap restaurant and an embarrassing spell at the cinema, NO can do mister. This girl is jetting, and fast. I make an excuse and take my leave.

I give up. No be by force. When love is ready, it will bring a good-looking man with the ability to pay for a good date my way. But one question though: why is this happening to me? More importantly, where do I get all these guys from?

Cultural I Do’s and I Don’ts, IT’S WORTH IT!

Niki Jackson — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 16:32:45 +0000

Kimora Lee and Djimon Hounsou just wed earlier this year, and the ring hasn’t even had time to settle on her finger before we start to ask…

How did Kimora manage to snatch such an alluring African man? And… the better question, why did he choose her instead of a beautiful African woman?

Welcome to America, home of the largest racial and cultural appetizer sampler in the world.

It’s no surprise when working together, living together, shopping and dining together that our African men (and women) will want a taste of something a little different.

If you do decide to approach your sweet Asian neighbor, or sizzling Puerto Rican classmate, here are some tips on making the cultural transition go a bit smoother.

DON’T make every date a crash course on African history. You want to be clear and proud of who you are, but there’s no need to start teaching your native tongue, or to re-enact the 1980’s revolution. Women who feel pressured to learn another’s culture or history to quickly feel overwhelmed and are likely to call it quits.

DO resist the deep urge to take your Japanese date to a Japanese restaurant. He or she can probably make their favorite meal better than any restaurant. And probably did earlier that day! You can also toss out the idea of your favorite local Nigerian spot as a first date meal. Try some place new and exciting to both of you. Finding your way through a new menu together can create a cozy bonding experience for you and your date.

DON’T ask to try your date’s drink, or soup or anything else from their plate. That’s not first date territory. It is bounds to never answer your call again. And speaking of calls…

DON’T feel too devastated if your date didn’t feel the same spark as you did. If you had a good date, it’s okay to be the first to call and say so. It is also okay invite him or her on a second date. Leave a voice-mail if you don’t get an answer. After that, the ball’s in their court. Don’t call back or text until they do so. Also, by no means, should you leave a ‘final’, voicemail or text saying something bitter, like, “Have a good life.” There is always the possibility that they are busy or unavailable, and if you had any chance, you certainly wouldn’t after that.

DON’T take calls during your date. (Unless it’s an absolute emergency) And if you do take an emergency call, use English as your conversation language. There is nothing that will make your date feel more detached from you than a lengthy conversation that they can not understand.

DO be yourself. Wear clothes you’d normally wear, and plan an activity that you know you’d like. Even if you’ve never done it, it’s safe to assume you’d be comfortable bowling, for example. If you’ve never been bull riding, the first date isn’t the time to try.